- Created By: Garry Stahl, Himself
- Appearance: Vista City game
- Full name: Alvin Charles Sharpener Jr.
- Race: Human
- Birthplace: Brooklyn, New York
- Current Residence: Brooklyn, New York
- Birthdate: October 3, 1954
- Sex: Male
- Marital status: Kathy Jordan (m. 1980–2004) (separated)
- Description: Tallish man of regular features prone to wearing the sharp expensive suits typical of oppressed people.
- Skin coloring: light Mocha
- Eyes: Brown
- Hair: White
- Routine Activities: Hosting a daily national talk radio program entitled Keepin It Real with Alvin Sharpener. Host of PoliticsNation, the MessyNBC show Looking for even vaguely racial vaguely injustice to agitate against and keep himself relevant.
- Skills/Training/Professional Skills: Baptist minister, Gadfly, and agitator.
- Financial Status: Better than the average minister by far.
- Group Affiliations: honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma fraternity, Bethany Baptist Church, MessyNBC
- Personality: More tolerant than thou intolerant.
- Ambitions and Goals: Use rage against the man to become the man.
- Physical/mental Problems: One tool viewpoint. Everyone comes down to racial injustice.
- Enemies (And Why): Pretty much everyone he has rubbed the wrong way "keepin' it real" Alvin is not real careful who he rubs the wrong way as long as Alvin gets press in the process.
- Special Abilities: Charismatic
- Weaknesses/Disadvantages: One note Johnny. Unless the subject is racial oppression, he has nothing to say.
- History and Experiences Which have Affected Character Greatly: Recent events have threatened to make Sharpener irrelevant. A fate worse than death. The Trial for Peoplehood put a real dampener on color based racism, his main outrage in trade. Sharpener has been desperate trying to reinvent himself as the universal anti-racist, and looking for some racial injustice to promote himself on.
Ane were a no brainer. Not oppressed and difficult to market as oppressed. The Trial for Peoplehood saw him largely ignored in spite of every effort to be the indignation in chief at the idea that people was not people. He could not get an Ane on his show.
Tanuki look like they might have some traction in the oppression game if he can find some being oppressed. So far their numbers are low and the public awareness limited. A few racists have picked up on them. He missed the Richard Head incident in Vista City, Ca..
Sharpener has become a positive nag about the United American Militia. A hate group custom made to keep is poll numbers high. It matters little who they are hating on as long as they are hating on a certifiable minority. Sharpener has also grabbed the "Gaylians" tag to beat Conservatives with.
- Bureau 13 File: Sharpener is an unimportant gadfly. Other than the chance of attracting problems with his mouth he is not a Bureau issue.
Sharpener is believed to be a prime candidate for a mousing artifact. We do not know if he has encountered one or not. It would frankly be better if he has, that issue would be out of the way.